cc: Yale J.D. Admissions
Thank you so much for your support throughout this historic admissions season. I want to start by congratulating the Harvard Class of 2011, which has undoubtedly achieved great things and will go on to achieve many more great things. It has been an honour to compete with them. Let me just take a moment to recognise them for all of that astonishing achieving that they have been doing and will continue to do.
This has been a historic admissions season not only because I am applying, but also so many other people are also applying. Damn them!
But I am told over and over again– “Kell, stay the course. Beat the odds. The stakes are too high. Especially for you personally.” But also for the Whole World. You see, after seven years of the Bush administration, the Whole World has a lot of problems–problems that a good, hardworking lawyer can solve. I am that lawyer! (Except for that pesky J.D., which you so cruelly dangle just out of my reach.)
In today’s world you are looking for the J.D. student who not only has a surreal LSAT, but also is prepared to extend health insurance to every American by 2010, stabilize the housing market, slash the price of gasoline, and chill global warming. You are looking for J.D. students who are ready for the challenges ahead–to clean up the vile trail that the Bush administration leaves in its wake as it sulks away. You need the J.D. students who can vanquish the Republican Machine, fight fire with atom bombs, restore justice, rule of law, and voting delegates to all 50 states and Puerto Rico. And you deserve nothing less!
Admissions Team, I know how hardworking you are, and I know you have spent many hours deliberating, carefully calibrating your odd little admissions scales to try and foretell who these J.D. students might be. You have made your decision judiciously, and it is not due to poor estimation of your judgment, or a consideration that you could possibly have erred, that I urge you to reexamine it. On the contrary, I unflinchingly believe that you, Godlike, can never be wrong, and yet, simultaneously, are.
(Except for the one white guy in the corner. He’s the rightest of all of you!)
So I want you to know, I will be making no decisions tonight. This has been a long process, and by now we’re all exhausted. But it is your future that hangs in the balance, and in your name, with your help, I will continue on to Victory! To my supporters–that white guy in the corner–I want to hear from you. I hope you’ll go to my website at ideasdegitana.wordpress.com and share your thoughts with me and help in any way that you can.
We Americans know that greatness can rise from the ashes, blah blah Twin Towers, Abraham Lincoln. If we all work together, share, cooperate, and raise our hands when we wish to say something, there’s nothing you can’t achieve for me.
Thank you very much. God Bless you, Admissions Team, and Bless me too, while You’re at it.
